Teamwork, or: How to Scam Yuki and Kyo
by ThymeWaster
Summary: Oneshot: SOOOO RANDOM! Written after having a very strange mangaoverdose induced dream. Shigure has a plan to get Yuki and Kyo to set aside their differences and work together... Rated for swearing on the part of a certain cat, and for suggested sex.


Ok, so... This was written in like... two hours. It is purely random and it has some suggestive undertones. There really isn't a pairing, though one might argue that there is a little bit of Yuki/Tohru thrown into Yuki's thoughts. Honestly though, I had the most random dream after reading too much manga and I just HAD to write it out. I hope you find it... funny?

I will also point out, I have a strange fascination with pregnancy. If you have read any of my work you will quickly realize this, since most of my characters end up pregnant at some point. This story is no exception ;)

Disclaimer: I wish.

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Teamwork, or: How to Psych Out Yuki and Kyo

Tohru entered the kitchen timidly. Shigure sat reading the morning paper and she stepped over to sit across from him and wait for the dog to register her presence. He noticed her within seconds and put down the paper before looking excitedly at her.

"Oh, Tohru, good! I wanted to talk to you about something." He exclaimed happily.

"Yes?" She asked hesitantly.

"I have an idea, to get Yuki and Kyo to work together, but I need your help." Her blush deepened and he began explaining his plan, which was brilliant and random and made Tohru very strangely excited.

"Leave the phone calls to me; all you'll have to do is play your part." He finished, picking up his paper and letting her go to her room to practice her acting.

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The next morning came quickly and Tohru was excited to put Shigure's plan into action. She tried her hardest not to rush down the stairs, where the three men of the house were waiting for breakfast. Yuki was half asleep with his head on the table, Kyo was glaring at him menacingly, and Shigure winked at her as she entered the room.

She heaved a sigh and sat down in her usual spot before beginning the day's events. "Um… There's something I need to tell you…" She tried to seem ashamed and embarrassed. "I… I'm pregnant."

Yuki's head shot up, smacking Kyo in the chin where his jaw had dropped over the rat's sleeping head. Shigure gasped in "shock" and waved his fan. The two younger boys immediately began fighting.

"You DAMN RAT!!!" Kyo grabbed at Yuki's shirt with one hand and attempted to hit him repeatedly with the other one.

Yuki dodged the blows, all the while attempting to recover the situation. "Why…" dodge. "…Are…" duck. "…you…" swerve. "…mad…" lean. "…at…" whirl. "…me?"

Kyo paused in his attempts and glared at the seemingly calm rat. "You're the father aren't you?"

"I thought you were. I was planning on sending you through the roof, but I was too busy dodging your weak attempts at punching." At this, the cat rushed him, but then stopped inches from his face.

"Wait…" he turned to Tohru, who wiped the smile off her face. "If I'm not the father, and the damn rat isn't the father, who in the hell is it?!"

"My thoughts exactly." Yuki sat back down across from Tohru. "You don't have to tell us if you don't want to, but I'm curious to know who you've…" He let his voice trail off, not wanting to think about Tohru being with anyone else.

"Don't have to tell us my ass! I'm gonna beat the crap out of him as soon as he shows his ugly face!" Kyo's reaction was to be expected. He then looked at the unnervingly quiet man at the head of the table. Both he and Yuki stood and loomed menacingly over the dog.

"Don't look at me!" Shigure said in his best flustered voice. "This is the first I'm hearing of this."

"Please!" Tohru interrupted them. She didn't like the fighting, even though she knew it would happen. "You won't have to wait too long to find out the father, he is coming by today to take me to go live with him. He wants to watch out for me himself."

The two teenagers sat back down for the final time that morning and ate their breakfast in chilled silence. Once the meal was finished and the dishes had been cleaned, Tohru started to head up the stairs when Yuki grabbed her shoulder.

"Tell me he doesn't live too far away. I want to be able to visit you often." The look he gave her was the closest thing to crying he had ever shown anyone. It took every ounce of control she had to not break down and cry right there in front of him.

"Oh Yuki!" She exclaimed. "No! I won't be going that far! He's a Sohma!" As she blurted out the last word, she jumped and covered her mouth. "Wait! You weren't supposed to know that, he wanted you to be surprised. Oh, please act surprised when he gets here!" She pleaded with him as best she could.

"Miss Honda, you didn't really tell me who he was, I'll still be surprised." He reassured her. Inside he was fuming that one of his own relatives had done this to his Tohru. "Do you need help packing?" He offered one fist clenched behind his back.

She hadn't thought of that, and Shigure hadn't prepared her for that. Luckily her first reaction was satisfactory. "Oh! No, please! I don't want to inconvenience you, I don't have much to pack anyway, please don't worry about it." With that she ran up the stairs and locked herself in her room before giggling to herself at how well the plan was working.

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A knock at his bedroom door woke Yuki from his deep thoughts. "Come in." he muttered at the door.

"Hey, I wanna talk to you." The rat was surprised to see Kyo standing in his doorway, Kyo never approached his room if he could help it. At least not without murderous intent.

"I'm busy, can it wait?"

"No, it's about Tohru." Kyo pushed his way through the mounds of dirty laundry and crumpled paper before sitting cross-legged on the only clear spot of Yuki's bed. "I want to figure out who the father is so I can kill him."

"That's considerate of you."

"Shut up!" He folded his arms across his chest and sulked. "I want your help, I need to talk this through with SOMEONE, and there's no way I'm talking to that perverted dog about it. Besides, I KNOW you are as curious as I am."

Yuki bit back the urge to point out that curiosity killed the cat. He turned around and faced his orange-haired cousin and sighed. "Well, she told me earlier that he was a Sohma, and unless she's been meeting family members behind our backs, that narrows it down to the Zodiac members."

"When did she tell you he was a Sohma?" Kyo tried his hardest not to yell.

"When I asked if she needed help packing." Yuki acted like this train of thought made sense. "Back to the logic. We need a list of the male Zodiac members, and then we can reason through all of them."

"To hell with that! Let's just kill whatever guy comes to the house today! She said he'd be coming to pick her up." As if in response to his words, the doorbell rang. Both boys jumped at the sound and ran to get the door.

"KAGURA?!" Kyo screamed and ran back into Yuki's room (It happened to be the closest bedroom to the front door.) as fast as possible.

"Hello, how's Tohru doing?" The boar asked Yuki as if her "lover" hadn't just ran screaming from the room.

"I take it you've heard?" He replied, his answer was a nod and he let her in. "She's upstairs if you want to go see her." Kagura bowed and went up the stairs to Tohru's room and knocked politely on the door.

"Who is it?"

"It's me, Kagura, can I come in?" She waited as the door was unlocked; then ran inside and glomped the other girl with full force.

"Kagura… I… Can't… Breathe…" Tohru tried to push the other girl off her.

Taking the hint, the older girl let go and held her friend at arm's length. "Oh Tohru! When Shigure told me the plan I thought it was brilliant! I just HAD to be here to see their faces when the other's come!"

"Really, I was nervous at first. I don't like lying to them." Tohru bit her lip and grinned sheepishly. "Though, it is more fun than I thought it would be. Kyo has been running around yelling about it for the past hour. I've been listening through the air conditioning vents."

Kagura spun around and looked at the room in amazement. "Well, we should probably fake that you are packing so that when he gets here you can pretend like you are really leaving." She immediately began pulling clothes out of the closet and searching for a suitcase.

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"Is she gone?" Kyo asked as Yuki re-entered his room.

"She went to go see Miss Honda upstairs, I'm sure they will be talking for a while." The silver-haired boy sat down in his desk chair and pulled out a pen and pad of paper. "Now, back to the list."

"Well, you can cross out us and that damn dog. She wouldn't be moving out if it was any of us." Kyo looked around the room in disgust; there were piles of junk everywhere. "Do you ever clean this place?"

"I mean to, but I never have time. Who else is there?" Yuki began writing down names and putting notes next to each one. Every Sohma male that Tohru had met was on the list, from Akito to Momiji. Though neither boy thought those two were the likely candidate.

Suddenly the doorbell rang again. This time both boys sat in shock, waiting for someone else to answer. They heard a voice, Shigure's, welcoming someone into the house.

"Where's Tohru? I want to see her." Kyo and Yuki both looked at each other, it was Momiji's voice.

"No…" They both spoke in unison. They jumped up and ran into the entryway, tackling the small German boy with no remorse.

"OW! HEY!! Shigure! They're hurting me!" He whined from the bottom of the "dog" pile.

"Boys, boys, get off him, he doesn't deserve this." Shigure tried half-heartedly to calm them down. He was enjoying this too much.

Yuki pulled out of it first, coming to the logical conclusion that if they killed him now and he WASN'T the father, they would have committed a senseless act of violence. However, Kyo was used to senseless acts of violence, so he continued pounding the smaller boy until Yuki punched him in the nose.

"What was THAT for you damn rat?!" He yelled while holding an ice pack to his nose a few minutes later.

"Look at him; I don't even think he knows what sex is." Yuki waved a hand in Momiji's general direction. Interestingly enough, Momiji didn't protest. Instead he spoke out in his own defense.

"I'm not the daddy if that's what you're talking about. He told me to tell you he's gonna be late." The little blond boy smiled up at them, ignoring the bruises and scrapes all over his face. "Can I have something to eat?"

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After Momiji was settled down in front of the television with a bowl of popcorn, the two older boys decided to do their thinking in the kitchen instead of returning to Yuki's room. That way they were in direct sight of the front door, stairs, and living room (they wanted to keep an eye on Momiji. Just in case.).

"So, it isn't the brat."

"That was pretty obvious once we thought it through. And by "we" I mean "I". You don't think." Yuki couldn't resist throwing in an insult now and then.

"I swear you damn rat! If I could figure this out on my own I'd have killed you by now!"

"Let's move on. I don't think its Ritsu; he wouldn't be able to do anything like this without letting SOMEONE know." Yuki smiled at the thought of his cross-dressing cousin running around trying to apologize for the most random things.

"Besides, isn't he in the US for some foreign exchange student program?" Kyo had a good point.

"So that leaves: Haru, Kureno, Hatori Ayame, Akito and Hiro." Yuki rattled off the list of suspects.

"Oh dear God please don't let it be Akito, she'd be miserable!" Kyo exclaimed.

Shigure walked by at that exact moment and muttered something under his breath about that being a complete impossibility. Fortunately, no one heard him.

"I don't think it is, he wouldn't have anything to do with her." Yuki scratched a line through Akito's name on the list.

"So, who could it be? None of those sound like good options." Kyo sulked… Again.

For the third time that day, the doorbell rang. This time Yuki went to get it alone, and found Haru on the other side.

Haru pushed past Yuki and Kyo and stuck his head in the refrigerator. "Hey, you guys got anything good to eat?" He called back to the kitchen.

"Not for you!" Kyo jumped up and grabbed Haru by the collar. "What did you do to Tohru?!"

"Oh, that?" He grinned wickedly. "Believe me, I wish I was responsible, I would have loved to be her man…" He was cut off by Kyo's fist.

"That was uncalled for." Yuki commented from his re-taken position at the kitchen table. "He just said he WASN'T the father. Then you go and hit him?"

"Did you HEAR him?" Kyo yelled as Haru stood back up.

"Yeah, I heard me. I didn't have a problem with it, don't see why you should. She's hot; anyone would want to be her…" He was knocked back down by another blow from the cat.

Yuki scratched the name "Haru" off the list of potential fathers. Unfortunately, the list was now very foreboding.

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Haru joined Momiji in front of the television and waited for Tohru to be done making lunch. She and Kagura had emerged from her room around noon and they were now contentedly giggling over the stove while the boys tried to listen in on their conversation. Unfortunately, Kagura was a violent threat to either one of them, and they couldn't get close enough to decipher a single word.

The group gathered for lunch, Shigure coming out of his office and sitting at the head of the table, the best place to watch the goings on. "So, have you boys figured out who the father is yet?" He asked pointedly when they were well into eating.

Kyo sniffed at his food and dropped his chopsticks in the bowl. "No, but we've gotten the list down to Hatori, and Ayame."

Yuki swallowed a particularly large bite of some unidentifiable substance before continuing the explanation. "We figure it can't be Hiro because he hates Miss Honda, her friend Uo has a relationship with Kureno and she would never do anything to ruin that, and Akito… well… we don't even want to think about that."

"So, who are you HOPING for?" Kagura asked, almost a little TOO happy about the question. Tohru and Momiji were trying to contain their laughter.

Kyo folded his arms across his chest and answered. "Hatori. He's the least of three evils. No matter what though it's completely wrong, since they are all way older than her."

Just then… you guessed it, the doorbell rang again. And, of course, it was Hatori. Shigure panicked for a second, he had told Hatori about the plan, but he didn't get any positive feedback from him.

"Hello everyone." The doctor waved from the entry. "Do you mind if I let myself in?"

"No! Not at all!" Tohru exclaimed, feeling guilty that no one had gotten up to greet him. "Please, come in, there's food if you want lunch." She got up and began rushing around the kitchen, her hair almost standing on end.

Hatori grinned wickedly at Shigure from the entryway and walked quietly over to Tohru. The others watched anxiously as he put a hand on her shoulder and spoke calmly to her. "Tohru, don't stress yourself, it's not good for the baby. What would the father think?"

Shigure sighed happily. He wasn't going to give away their game. Yuki and Kyo looked at each other in horror, Hatori wasn't the father. That could only mean one thing. "NO!" They both yelled in unison as Ayame flung the front door open with much flourish, and gave the room his greatest smile.

"Tohru, Darling! I've come to take you away with me!" He twirled over to her, pushing Hatori aside, and put one hand on her shoulder. He looked around the room at the horrified faces of Yuki and Kyo, and the silent laughter of the others, which only fueled his charade.

"Are you packed and ready? Hatori brought the car and I would like to leave as soon as possible. It would be best if you could settle into your new home before the evening meal…" He rambled on for a few minutes before Yuki ran from the room, his face green from nausea.

Kyo stood slowly, walked around the table and up to Tohru in complete silence. When he was just inches from her face, he grabbed her hand and pleaded. "Tohru, you can't possibly be in a relationship with this idiot! Please tell me this isn't true! If you move in with… Him..." Here he pointed angrily at Ayame. "I swear, I will… I'll… I'll knock down your door and drag you away to some foreign country where no one can find you and make sure that this baby never meets any of these idiot Sohma's ever!" It was probably the most thought through threat he had ever used.

Yuki returned from the bathroom to see something Kyo didn't notice. Shigure was rolling around on the floor, silently laughing his head off, while the others, Momiji, Haru, Kagura and Hatori silently giggled under their breath. "Kyo, I think we've been pranked." He leaned back against the wall and waited for the laughter to subside.

"Tohru… Maybe… You… Explain…" Shigure said between fits of hysterics.

Tohru looked Kyo in the eyes as he stared confusedly at her. "Well, we wanted you and Yuki to see how well the two of you can work together. So Shigure set up this prank to see if the two of you could put aside your argument for something more important." She smiled. "I'm so happy that I have so many people who would worry about me if something happened to me."

Kyo fell over backwards and sat hard on the floor. Yuki slid down the wall and held his head in his hands. Both boys realized the extent of their guardian's prank. "Good lord Shigure, did you have to be so hard on them?" Hatori questioned.

"Well, Tohru is the only thing they both care deeply about, so it seemed logical that they would work together to save her. Though I must admit, it took them longer to guess than I thought. I was sure Yuki at least would go through the list and have eliminated everyone but Aya BEFORE he got here."

Said Yuki was currently thinking of the thousand ways he was going to kill Shigure for this "prank" and how he was going to set up a twenty-four hour watch around Tohru so that she would never be roped into doing something like this again.

Kyo was unconscious in Kagura's arms.

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Honestly, I'm sorry you read this far. This has got to be the most random thing I've ever written. Oh well, I tried to warn you in the summary. If you made it this far, review and tell me how strange my mind is.


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